So a crazy thing happened to me tonight. I was at a gas station at about 6pm, and there was one old lady working. There were several guys there getting fuel and snacks and lotto tickets and such, and she seemed kindof overwhelmed. I went to get some pepsi, but it was out. I told the lady, and she kindof looked crestfallen and promised me that she’d change it right as soon as she was done helping the other gentlemen. I waited a bit until she was done, then she came around the counter flusteredly and went to get a new box of pepsi. I offered my help, and she accepted readily, so I took the box and swapped it out in about 20 seconds or so. She seemed pretty impressed and said I could do her job for her! I said that’s okay, I have a job, but I would take a free drink. She agreed quickly that that was a bargain. Anyway, as I was leaving, a guy who was a little bit drunk and wearing a steakhouse hat asked me if I liked beef. I asked him if he was selling some, and he showed me his pickup, which had a freezer in the back. He told me his tale of how he works for a company that sold packaged meat in boxes and how a customer of his wasn’t answering her phone calls and he needed to get rid of the order so that he didn’t have to take it back and have it re-inspected. He tried really hard to sell me about 8 cases of meat, AND a freezer! ALL for 1300 bucks. I sensed some sort of injustice going on, and I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t happening to me. I told him to wait a moment. He gave me a brochure, and I looked up the company name on the brochure, using my excellent reconnaisance techniques. I made several discoveries. The company, Ranch House Quality Meats. Several dozen absolutely horrendous reviews instantly exploded before my eyes, stories so wretched, too horrible to be retold here in the material plane, stories of injustice, fraudulence, and bad customer service. I made many inquiries to the man about these stories, questions that I truly hoped he could answer. (I love me some beef, I mean really) The man had nothing but inconsistent answers for me, and he evaded answering nearly every one of my questions. He even wanted to cook up a steak for me to show me that its quality was truly the best. After a long debate, and calls made to his manager, who told me that no one was pointing a gun to my head and hung up the phone, I sent the salesman away.
I am so mad that that was a poor deal. I wanted my goddamn back alley beef. Plus a brand new, never-plugged-in freezer which would normally cost me a thousand dollars. Stupid Lowe’s. Don’t they know they could be selling that exact model of freezer for 400 dollars more than they are? That one even came with the warning labels pre-ripped-off! I hate having to rip those damn things off myself, they get so sticky. I was also impressed with the pickup truck they carried it around in, It was completely tag free. I wish I had the balls to drive around without license plates. Oh, and the meat! Already vaccuume-packed, no dates required! Those expiration dates are so annoying. Who do they think they are, giving me an ultimatum on my consumption!? I’ll eat when I want to. Those men should have bought the beef themselves. They could have even gotten an employee discount. I hated having to send them away, but I don’t buy anything from someone who hangs up on me. It’s an unbreakable law, unlike gravity. Be more steadfast than me, dear friends, don’t let silly things like that stop you from making an excellent purchase on some delicious and healthy back alley beef. Also freezer.
